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simple jack quotes

Rick Peck: How did the crying scene go? I’m sorry. Kirk Lazarus: Here’s my motherfucking farm! You really need help! Man, don’t scare me like that! Rick Peck: Woh, woh, stop right there! Rob Slolom: Yeah. Kirk Lazarus: Gotcha. A nutless monkey could do your job. Who is this? Flaming Dragon. I knoowww you want the goodies. And Jeff Portnoy are The Fatties: Fart Two… Because that’s exactly what I’m going to be bringing back and serving up in this whirly bird. We take them out there, and we put them in the trees in different angles. Kirk Lazarus: I am a little confused. [sarcastically] Kirk Lazarus: He’s right, you know. Kirk Lazarus: You got it upside down. ain’t no Chris Angel Mind freak, David Blaine trapdoor horseshit jumping off here! Kevin Sandusky: No, most likely Myanmar or Laos. Lazarus started crying. I wasn’t nominated. [to Speedman] ", Celestra Caine from FADE by Kailin Gow”, “You should be proud of what you’re becoming." [the bat that took Portnoy’s cocaine bag falls. Kirk Lazarus: Any tips, you got? I’m finally better. Four Leaf Tayback: I’m guessing right about now you couldn’t find a Dixie coonskin with an Ohio hooker holding your prick and showing you the way. Kirk Lazarus: You’re not doing tofu dinner theater for these motherfuckers. Action comedy directed and co-written by Ben Stiller. Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: Devil Advocate. What’s your fucking name? Hold up, man, keep it on the down-low. Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Come on, Leaf, let’s boogie! Oldest trick in the book. [after Sandusky explain what “The Wet Offensive” plan is] Kevin Sandusky: Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo where Hollywood was split into schisms, some studios backing Blu-ray Disc, others backing HD DVD. What do you mean “you people”? Kevin Sandusky: It sounded like “Lance.” Tugg Speedman: I got it. I’m just saying that to have been nominated would have been nice. Then we take those boys up there, me and Cody, we could light up that fucking jungle, so those lily-dick actors would be shitting their pants and screaming for their mammies. You’re pathetic. Kirk Lazarus: Me? I am getting the TiVo! And Simple Jack is the only movie we possess. Say it! Jeff Portnoy: Shut the fuck up! Like you did before! Who’s with you? Ye-aah! Tayback lies to me and the whole goddamn U.S. Of A. [shouting to Speedman] Jeff Portnoy: I’m going to bite his hide. Four Leaf Tayback: [narrating] In the Winter of 1969, an elite force of the US Army was sent on a top secret assignment in Southeast Vietnam. Four Leaf Tayback: What’re you doing? Tugg Speedman: He’s my son. Uh, Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat? Four Leaf Tayback: I don’t want to hear it. Jeff Portnoy: It doesn’t matter what I do. You’re my brother. Alpa Chino: I know. I need to wear his stomach skin like a unitard. What the fuck did I just hear? I need to wear his stomach skin like a unitard. Because I’m talking G5 for the Pecker. Mandarin Chinese. Actually, the claim alone would net us more than the movie would lose. Chow Yun-Fat, get the hell down! Let’s roll! All that cared about was killing.”, Jack Simple to Celestra Caine in FADE by Kailin Gow”, “Every Fader has the key,” Jack assures me, and puts his finger in the key hole. Rick Peck: Jesus Christ, Tugg! He has a set of twins on him and he’s holding two rifles] Once the highest grossing star in the world, lately his Scorcher films have lost their heat. Kirk Lazarus: Any tips, you got? Kirk Lazarus: That’s the stuff that accolades are made of. [following after Tayback] Kirk Lazarus: That’s right! Tugg Speedman: Enough from the peanut gallery! You’re Australian! Tugg Speedman as Four Leaf: You are my, you are my brother. They were escaping. Corn syrup and latex. Remember it? Kevin Sandusky: It’s the world’s hard drug superhighway. Alpa Chino: What the fuck? Les Grossman: I see you. Kirk Lazarus: Yeah. It’s high science, man. They just think it’s an old storage room, or a mine, or something. Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: You should’ve got Oscar. Kirk Lazarus as Father O’Mallie: I’ve been a bad, bad boy, Father. Jeff Portnoy: Yeah, I’m serious. Les Grossman: No, dickhead, of course I could. Kirk Lazarus: What happened here? Lance? You are a rock star. Kevin Sandusky: That is not true, you are not a screw-up! Tugg Speedman: I know. Kevin Sandusky: Oh, wow! [he embraces Lazarus] Four Leaf Tayback: Sanitation Department. Les Grossman: Great. Kirk Lazarus: I guess so. Kirk Lazarus: Hats off for going there, especially knowing how the Academy is about that shit. Jacket’s on, I’m out the door! The brilliant Australian known for his bad boy antics off-screen is famous for his total immersion into any role he portrays. Kirk Lazarus: Really? [referring to Cockburn getting exploded] You want me to let my client of 15 years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle, alone, for some money and a G5? Some of us might not even make it back. Jeff Portnoy: Yeah. Rick Peck: I got the TiVo! Shit happens. Alpa Chino: It’s “Viet Cong.” There’s no “S.” It’s already plural. Jeff Portnoy: What do you mean? What do you mean “you people”? I’m a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude. Kirk Lazarus: For 400 years, that word has kept us down. Kirk Lazarus: Look at them beady, white devil eyes. [Cody throws a bomb in to the middle of the Flaming Dragon compound; to Tayback] Tran: Say that again. Four Leaf Tayback: He killed Damien! It’s cool. Rob Slolom: Eight Oscars, four hundred million dollars and you saved Tugg Speedman’s career. Whoever it is, it’s not funny, okay? [after being captured and taken to the Flaming Dragon compound] I am not Sergeant Lincoln Osiris… Tugg Speedman: In a weird way it was almost like I had to sort of fool my mind into believing that it wasn’t retarded, and by the end of the whole thing, I was like, “Wait a minute, you know, I flushed so much out, how am I going to jumpstart it up again?” It’s just like… Because I’m talking G5 for the Pecker. “Crisis,” “explosion,” “not rolling,” “fired.” These are just words. I’m a patriot! You are five men in a helicopter! Tugg Speedman: Hey! [they’ve just noticed the Flaming Dragon compound] Alpa Chino: I don’t want no Fatties franchise, I got a diamond toilet. Tugg Speedman: …by playing other dudes? Tugg Speedman: Lazarus is going to torpedo the movie. We’re dead. Are you still crazy? And maybe some crab apples for dessert, now, you hear? I just got caught up in… Tugg Speedman: Well, you know. Alpa Chino: “Viet Cong”! I’m a lead farmer, motherfucka! Which, from what I can tell, is what they speaking down there. Of course. Rob Slolom: Eight Oscars, four hundred million dollars and you saved Tugg Speedman’s career. Playa. Kevin Sandusky: My name. [watching Speedman reenact Simple Jack, with a really bad looking wig and false teeth, for a small group of chuckling guards] You have a good night. Rob Slolom: Preferably before the end of the fiscal year. Tugg Speedman: Were there some re-writes that I missed? So… [Tran hits him in the stomach with back of his rifle] The story follows a group of prima donna actors, Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.), Tugg Speedman (Ben Stiller), Jeff Portno (Jack Black), Alpa Chino (Brandon T. Jackson), and Kevin Sandusky (Jay Baruchel), who are making a Vietnam War film. I don’t need to pee. I don’t want to die like Hendrix! I think it pertains to the journey… [on the phone thinking it’s Speedman] Rob Slolom: Well, I… Tugg Speedman: It’s me, Tugg. Quotes tagged as "jack-simple" Showing 1-16 of 16 “He’s all natural charm and boyish good looks.” About Jack Simple, FADE by Kailin Gow” ― Kailin Gow, Fade. Jeff Portnoy: Simple Jack sucked ass! Kwan-Lo! Lazarus: Took a whole lot of tryin, just to get up that hill, but now we up in the big leagues... Alpa Chino: That's the theme songs from The Jeffersons. Tugg Speedman: It doesn’t matter anymore. [Cody and Tayback are tied to a post in the Flaming Dragon compound] Kirk Lazarus: But are we cool? Roll your shit up, man. Of those three, two were published. [the others all look at him and then just ignore him and continue talking] Cody: Hey, I don’t want to come off as weird or anything, but I might be your biggest fan. Because I’m as important to him right then as he is to me. Les Grossman: You paying attention? I got an itchy trigger finger here, and I’m ready to blow some shit up. Kirk Lazarus: Crazy’s better than nothing. No, no, no! Rob Slolom: You spank that ass, Les. Who’s with you? Alpa Chino: Lance. Chicka-chickaw, baby! Tugg Speedman: Right. I killed a panda. He’ll become a naturalist. Kevin Sandusky: He’s got a real serious problem. Tugg Speedman: It’s a little twig man Oscar. [Access Hollywood reporting on the Tropic Thunder disaster and how the Director can’t control his cast, we see a drunk looking Jeff Portnoy getting interviewed about his last movie] I have to go back to him. It’s boiling! Tugg Speedman: Yeah. Trailer Announcer: [voice over] Alpa Chino’s Booty Sweat. Kirk Lazarus: I’m trying to agree with you. Who is this? Kirk Lazarus: I’m trying to agree with you. What?

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