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bribery one liners

"It's not the things we don't know that get us into trouble; it's the things we do know that ain't so. Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. I don’t know if liquor is the answer, but it’s worth a shot! A cheese factory exploded in France. The difference between fiction and reality? You just gotta know which nuts to screw. ", "I don't like that man. She’s always been thoughtful. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. ", "Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Intelligence is like an underwear. Time flies when you throw away calendars. ", "The best way to keep one's word is not to give it. Fine day to work off excess energy. "Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.". "Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen.". "You want a friend in Washington? ", "The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs. ", "It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed. This isn't an office. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. ", "Your mind is credulous enough to believe any narrative you feed it. I'm always there when I need me. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. But all mine ever says is goodbye. ". Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior. You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. ", "A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it. A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion. ", "Don’t take life so serious, son, it ain’t nohow permanent. Sex is not the answer. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. They smell great, taste amazing, and kill you slowly. ", "The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life", "Live everyday as if it were your last because someday you’re going to be right. It was love at first sight. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested. Be good - and if you can't be good, be careful. ", "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.". Bad command or file name. "I have a lightsaber next to my bed just in case someone ever breaks in, I can make them feel sorry for me.". ", "In heaven, all the interesting people are missing. They say you are what you eat. ", "Don’t count the days, make the days count. All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure. The Indian version of "How I Met Your Mother" would only last one episode, entitled "The Wedding". You may die of a misprint. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. ", "What you’re thinking is what you’re becoming. A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. *Ask him more... *Take his nightstick and play whack-a-mole with his head *Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to "spice up" your takeout * *Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself. "I’ve agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.". ", "Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed. ", “Et cetera” is Latin for “can’t think of a third example.”. There’s no such thing as a large whiskey. ", "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'. In life, you have two choices: get over it or die with it on your mind. *Ask if his bullet-proof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting. ", "Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice. Call me anything you want except early in the morning. ", "Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon. ", "It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. Faster hardware doesn't solve business problems - unless the business problem is slow hardware. You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don’t need. If it’s not going according to plan, maybe there never was a plan. ", "Love the life you live. Then they call me ugly and poor. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. *Explain speeding with, "See officer, I was driving along when I droped my bag of crack. ", "Governments never learn. When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist. "Free speech carries with it some freedom to listen.". Reputation is what people think you are. How do I dress up as "The World Right Now"? I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. ", "To love and win is the best thing. Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. My mind is like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set. "The lack of money is the root of all evil.". What you really learn from marriage counseling is that you’re not the only person your spouse won’t listen to. The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them. The weakness is that you will.". ", "In politics, nothing happens by accident. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push. ", "I am not an Athenian, nor a Greek, but a citizen of the world. Hit him with a baseball bat. The problem with the future is it turns into the present. Those who count the vote decide everything. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas. ", "I like whiskey. ", "You can’t expect to hit the jackpot if you don’t put a few nickels in the machine.". ", "Some say I’ve aged like a fine wine, but I just wish I could get back those 15 years I was locked in a cellar.". A liberal is a conservative who got a hospital bill once. ", "Be nice to people on your way up because you'll need them on your way down. Any paint, regardless of quality or composition, will adhere permanently to any surface, prepared or otherwise, if applied accidentally. ", "Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? Most people don't act stupid - it's the real thing. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. ", "The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop. ", "One is never so dangerous as when he’s utterly convinced he is right. Chances are you'll end up working for one. I wrote a song about a tortilla. If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? I drink to make other people interesting. Make a firm decision now. ", "For every man there exists a bait which he cannot resist swallowing. Why did the old man fall in the well? ", "Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice. ", "The naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it. Women are like bacon. Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. ", "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. ", "It's always darkest before the dawn. That way she can't hit me with them. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit. Everyone leaves the world a little better - some by leaving. Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened. ", "I quit my job at the helium factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone. ", "Be nice to nerds. ", "I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain. Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Click here to get brand new one-liners in your inbox every month! They just turn into stairs. The best thing about the good old days is I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old. There is no cure for curiosity. Nostalgia is the realization that things weren't as unbearable as they seemed at the time. Cake: The answer, no matter the question. ", "Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding. Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer. "The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become. A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. "Just gonna have a quick nap because I heard you can sleep your way to the top.". Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. He told me to quit going to those places. Tell me how much you get done. I don't make mistakes, I take alternative decisions. ", "We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much more for them. Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. It's a good story, but is it a joke? You’re in a serious relationship when both members are wearing sweatpants. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. Guess. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. ", "The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.". Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day! ", "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door. ", "Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace. ", "Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. I'd like to test the theory that money can't buy you happiness. ", "We are no longer happy so soon as we wish to be happier. I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time. Get those reindeers off my roof! ", "I will not eat oysters; I want my food dead… not sick… not wounded… dead. Tomorrow is a big day for me at work. ", "He is a self-made man and worships his creator. Life is what happens outside your smartphone. A politician is the one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. Having nutrition information on a bag of Cheetos is like having dating tips on a box of Crocs. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. Everyone has a right to be stupid. What if there were no hypothetical questions? When you're dead, you don't know that you're dead. Any job is a dream job if you fall asleep in meetings. ", "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. ", "By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'? Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything. ", "If you can't make it good, at least make it look good. ", "What the world really needs is more love and less paper work. I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.

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